My Rantings and Other Non-Sensical Thoughts

Yesterday was the 2 month anniversary of my Dulce Walls site. Things are going really well. I'm up to about 4800 page views a month & 13 Gigs of Bandwidth. Looks like I'll have to upgrade my webspace in a month or so. I can't believe I've made 300 walls! I'm sure I could have made more, but most of the time I'm picky about the ones I create. I only create walls that I'd like and judging by the walls a bunch of other people make, my likes are limited. Oh well. I think 300 is pretty good for 60 days worth of work! :) Anyhoo, just wanted to toot my own horn a bit. And no, I have no April Fool's jokes for you. I don't get into that - too irritating. :)

posted by Chris O. @ 3/31/2005 10:33:00 PM 0 comments

*sigh*. What a sad day. No, not because Terri Schiavo died. I look at that as finally her body has caught up with her soul. It's a sad day because Mitch Hedberg, my most FAVORITE comic in the universe died! Tom called me this morning when he heard it on Howard Stern and I actually gasped and tears welled up in my eyes.

Mitch was the first comic that I actually liked enough to see in person. I had the honor of seeing him perform twice at the Improv in Addison (TX). Once with Tom & Once with Patty & Dave. He died of a heart attack. He was 37. Chances are it was drug related and that's even sadder. So preventable.

Anyhow, here are a BUNCH of funny Mitch Hedberg lines (Caution, NANA - There's bad language):

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree

posted by Chris O. @ 3/31/2005 04:35:00 PM 0 comments

Two things of note in the celebrity world today:

* Johnnie Cochran died of a brain tumor. He was 67.
* The next cast of the Surreal Life (5 if you're keeping count) has been chosen: Jose Canseco, Cary Hart (Motocross dude & former(?) Pink Boyfriend), British Model, Caprice(neva heard of her), Bronson "Balki" Pinchot, Janice Dickinson, Pepa (of Salt & Pepa) and Omarosa from the Apprentice. Shows start Sept. 4. I can't wait for this installment! Omarosa & Janice are sure to butt heads. God, I hate Omarosa, but there's nothing like watching a good train wreck!

posted by Chris O. @ 3/29/2005 06:51:00 PM 0 comments

Tom & I decided this will be our year to "financial freedom". We are going to work hard to get our credit back in line. So far we've cut our expenses down by $100/mo and we still have some cutting we can do. YAY!

posted by Chris O. @ 3/29/2005 10:18:00 AM 0 comments

Found out quite by accident that LAX was on NBC last night. I was surprised to see it & wondered what the heck was going on since NBC canceled it back in December(?). Turns out that starting 3/19 they decided to show the remaining episodes on Saturdays at 8pm. I'm not sure how many episodes remain, but tvtome.com has it listed as ending in April 2005.

I think it's really shitty of NBC to be like "well, you're not good enough to stay on the air, but we'll still run the remaining episodes to try to get some more viewers than whatever the heck else was in the spot before it got canceled." I'm glad I'm not in the TV industry. That would piss me off.

WILL, YOU HAVE A FEW MORE CHANCES TO WATCH YOUR SHOW!

posted by Chris O. @ 3/27/2005 09:44:00 PM 0 comments

Emily, I fixed your pictures on your site & left you a surprise at the bottom!

posted by Chris O. @ 3/27/2005 09:13:00 PM 0 comments

Pictures of the car (for my mom). Images hosted by Photobucket. I'm testing them out. For a free service it seems pretty cool so far.

posted by Chris O. @ 3/27/2005 05:01:00 PM 0 comments

Oh Lord, what have I done? I bought a car today. A 2005 Cavalier. While not a Rolls-Royce, it's 100 steps up from my 97 escort with 135,000 miles on it. I needed something reliable & the ol' escort was nearing the end of it's lifespan. Anyway, it's a 2 door and it's rather sporty for an ol' fart like me. lol. The only problem? It's white. I'm not too fond of white cars. The other thing? The psychic in December *said* one of us would be getting a white car even though that's not a color we'd normally pick. Damn it! I asked Tom at the lot if there was room in the back for the twins (since that was one of her predictions too). Lord help us all if I *ever* have twins.

Michele - I *do* remember you! I used to love going to your house. I hope you keep in touch. You can always email me at liveedk at yahoo.com

Happy Easter, ya'll!

posted by Chris O. @ 3/26/2005 08:41:00 PM 0 comments

A friend's mom passed away unexpectedly on Thursday. She was only 51. I didn't know her all that well, but she got the loan started for our house, so I definitely have that to be thankful to her for. The viewing was last night & the funeral was today. It was a beautiful service.

Gina, I got your card today. Thank you so much. It was very nice and well appreciated. :)

Not much going on - just working and sleeping (story of my life, right?).

Just wanted to give ya'll a quick update. I'm thinking of putting tag-board back up, pop-ups be damned. It's better than no doodleboard at all. Post a comment & let me know if the pop-up would just chap your hide too much. I'll give it till Saturday before making a decision.

posted by Chris O. @ 3/21/2005 08:23:00 PM 0 comments

Finally went to the doctor's last Monday and got some *real* medicine. She said I didn't have an ear infection, but it was about to be one (just like I suspected). She gave me antibiotics & prescription decongestant. It still took until Thursday before I could hear a little better.

The shootings at the courthouse in Atlanta were certainly tragic. More tragic because they were so preventable. Why on earth would you have a guy who the day before was found with TWO homemade shanks on his person only being guarded by a 50-something grandmother? Why would you even uncuff him to begin with? Ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous, I think, is how political correctness has run amuck. Most news reports I saw called him the "suspect" or "alleged shooter". Suspect? Alleged? HE DID IT. People SAW him. There's nothing alleged about it. Suspect means "to think a person guilty without proof" or "to surmise to be true or probable". There was no suspect on the loose. There was a killer on the loose. And thank God he didn't hurt that woman he holed up with. Although from what I've read he was seriously out of his mind. Poor guy. Probably would have done a few years for the alleged rape (in this case, definitely alleged). Now he's done. Killing a Judge? Oh hell no - you're going down for life now. Stupid.

posted by Chris O. @ 3/14/2005 10:53:00 PM 0 comments

I'm still sick, but getting better. Now my ears are blocked, which usually signals the start of an ear infection, but hopefully I can fight that off this time. My energy level is still not back to where it was - I tire very easily. :( Anyway, I've updated my Atkins blog (finally). Take a look at my progress! The link is on the right.

posted by Chris O. @ 3/06/2005 07:45:00 AM 0 comments

I am exhausted. I've been awake since 7:30 this morning. I still have the cold from hell. Today I'm not coughing as badly, but I'm sneezing my head off. For some reason Dayquil doesn't stop sneezing. :( I took a Nyquil at 7:25pm and slept for an hour, but now I'm awake again. I feel all discombobulated - like my head isn't attached to my body, which is not a good feeling to have. I alternate between burning up & freezing. *sigh* I HATE being sick.

The volunteer opportunity I was mentioning a few days ago may come to fruition - I just have to pass a background check, but since I'm not a bad girl I don't expect that to be a problem. I had a 1 hour "interview" with the place today. I would be a phone buddy to people who have cancer and live alone. They either have no family or they don't want to burden their family. I would call them once or a few times a week (whichever they prefer) to just talk and make sure they're ok. It sounds like fun and very rewarding. I guess I'll find out in a few days - they didn't really say.

posted by Chris O. @ 3/03/2005 07:27:00 PM 0 comments

Doodle-board decided to stop it's free service yesterday with no warning due to high usage. They are a pay only service now, so if you have something to say you're stuck with comments for now. I'm glad to be back in TX. BUT, now I'm getting that flu-ish stuff everyone had. Right now it's mostly cough, which I'm trying to supress with Honey-Lemon Halls. Each time I do cough it feels like my chest is going to explode.

I got TS2 University on Monday. It's pretty cool. The first person I sent to college is a Senior now. I haven't had much of a chance to play - I slept most of last night. I'll have more walls added to Dulce later in the week.

posted by Chris O. @ 3/02/2005 06:45:00 AM 0 comments