First I started thinking that I wonder if it would be possible to gather all the former MindSpring people & do a hostile takeover of EarthLink. Wouldn't that be a sight to see? Hundreds of people storming the board meeting & taking over. Of course it would take a lot of money, but it would make for a good news report. :)
Then I started thinking that I wonder what God's purpose is for me. It doesn't seem I have one. I wasn't thinking in a suicidal way, just wondering in general. How do you know what God's purpose is for you? Is it based on mistakes you made in a past life? If so, how do I know what those mistakes were so I don't repeat them? Why are some people so fabulously successful and others aren't? I know the successful people are smart, but what determined if they'd be smart when someone else wasn't? Is the homeless person supposed to be learning a lesson? Is the person on death row for murder there because he ignored his purpose or was that his purpose? It's all so confusing.
Finally I remembered the night in 1999 (January) that my mom called me to tell me that my dad was in the hospital and she didn't know if he was going to make it. I jumped out of bed and left as quickly as I could. I remember being terrified. On the way to the hospital I heard a Sarah McLachlan song (I don't know the name) and it made me cry & cry. "Spend all your time waiting for that second chance for a break that would make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction oh beautiful release memories seep from my veins. Let me be empty oh and weightless then maybe I'll find some peace tonight". Anyway I got to the hospital and my mom told me that dad had to have quadruple bypass surgery. I remember being in the room with her when the doctor was talking to her, explaining the procedure & what dad's chances were. Luckily that time he made it through & he was able to walk me down the aisle 3 months later. I found out only after he died that they only gave him a 20% chance of making it through that. What was my dad's lesson to learn from that situation? Did he learn it? Is that why he was given another 2 years? Or did he not learn it & that's why he was only given 2 more years?
I know I'll never figure it out, and it's going to drive me crazy to think about it, but that's where I am right now. I know in my heart that dad knew the last time I saw him was going to be the last time. It was Father's Day and I was home for Gina's wedding. The night before we had looked through old pictures and reminicsed. Father's Day we went to breakfast & that's the last time I saw him alive. He had on tan shorts. God I miss him. I miss his laugh, the sparkle in his eyes. I miss how safe he always made me feel. I'm glad the last thing I said to him was "I love you daddy". I wonder how long it will be until these thoughts don't take over & the tears aren't streaming down my face like they are now. Will I be 80 years old & still crying for my daddy?
posted by Chris O. @ 3/17/2004 10:36:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home